Broken
by Micaiah
Summary: Set immediately after On the Head of a Pin. Sam doesn't know what happened to his brother during his encounter with Alastair but he knows that Dean is a completely broken man.
1. Chapter 1

Sam stopped at the door of the hospital room and stared at his brother. Dean was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for Sam to bring in the wheelchair for his obligatory ride to freedom. Dean's back was to him and from the sag of Dean's shoulders, it seemed as if the weight of the world was riding there.

It had been a week since he had found Dean unconscious after being beaten by Alastair. Sam had talked to Castiel a couple of times since then but he hadn't given Sam any real details about what happened.

Oh, sure, he knew that Dean had been summoned to torture Alastair, which was a complete waste of time since Uriel had been the one killing the angels. Sam also knew that thanks to Uriel, Alastair had gotten free and had almost killed Dean. Sam was glad the angel was dead. It saved him the trouble of doing it himself.

Castiel had hinted that Dean had learned something from Alastair but he wouldn't say what it was. And Dean, well, he just wasn't talking. Sam had been sitting by his bedside almost constantly for the last week and Dean would only talk when Sam spoke directly to him.

"Is he breaking out today?"

Sam jumped at the sound of the nurse's voice. She was a pretty blonde who had been trying to get Dean to talk to her since he had regained consciousness but even she wasn't having any luck getting a response from his brother.

"Yeah, today is the day." Sam pushed the wheelchair into the room and the nurse followed him. "You ready to go, Dean?"

"Sure." Dean's voice was lifeless and Sam swallowed hard to keep his tears at bay. He had to be strong for his brother.

"Okay, let's get you into your ride here and we'll get out of Julie's hair." He smiled at the nurse. "I'm sure she's tired of putting up with you."

Julie put her hand on Dean's arm to help steady him as he lowered himself into the chair. "If every patient I had was as handsome as this one, I'd never go home."

Sam's heart broke as he saw no reaction from his brother. Granted it was a lame line but Dean usually ate those up. In fact, he would have been the one handing them out. But not today.

Sam wanted to scream in frustration. Why had Castiel let this happen? He should have known that Dean wasn't strong enough to face Alastair. If Castiel had questioned where those orders had been coming from in the first place none of this would have happened. Dean hadn't been the same since coming back from Hell but now he was completely broken and Sam didn't know how to fix him.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam glanced over at Dean every once in awhile but Dean only stared out the car window. He hadn't even asked where they were going. Sam had called Bobby and asked if they could stay at his place for awhile. Even though Dean had been released from the hospital, he was supposed to take it easy for a couple of weeks.

When they pulled up at Bobby's place, Dean finally spoke.

"We can't stay here."

"We have to stay somewhere. You need to rest." Sam put the car in park and turned toward his brother. Dean continued to stare out the window. "Dean, this is the safest place we can be."

"I'm not worried about our safety." Dean finally turned to look at Sam, his green eyes full of pain. "I can't bury anyone else, Sammy. I can't do it."

"Dean, we're not….." He was cut short by Bobby opening the passenger side door and leaning down to look in at them.

"You boys gonna sit out here all day or what?" Bobby helped Dean from the car and glanced back at Sam.

Sam shook his head sadly. He had already told Bobby what had happened and how Dean had shut down. Bobby frowned and turned his attention back to Dean, who was slowly making his way to the front door.

Sam opened the trunk of the Impala to get their things. He felt a rush of wind and before he turned around he knew that Castiel would be standing there.

"What do you want?" Castiel wasn't exactly on Sam's BFF list.

"Has he said anything to you?" Castiel's normally emotionless eyes looked troubled.

Sam slammed the trunk harder than he needed to. "No! He's said nothing! What did Alastair say to him? What could possibly make him shut down like this? I know he's not been the same for awhile but this…."

Sam couldn't finish the sentence. He didn't have the words to explain what this felt like.

"You have to get him to talk to you."

Sam almost laughed. "Do you know my brother? He wouldn't talk about his feelings on a good day. Now he's not talking at all and you think I can change that?"

"He loves you. No matter what has happened or will happen, you are the most important thing in his life. He will open up to you if you let him."

"What do you mean, if I let him? I have tried to talk to him. For years, I've tried to understand him, get him to tell me how he feels but he won't do it." Sam threw his bag down in frustration. "How can I get him to talk? I'll do whatever I can to help him through this but I don't know how. I've never known how. Why can't you just tell me?"

Castiel looked toward the house where Bobby had disappeared with Dean. "I can't. Dean wasn't even supposed to know. I only confirmed what Alastair told him when I was asked. "

"So, we could play twenty questions and I might guess the problem?" Sam threw his hands up in the air and began pacing back and forth. "I don't understand you. If you'd just tell me, I might know what to do."

"I have my orders." Castiel was looking more uncomfortable by the minute.

"To hell with your orders! Your orders are what got Dean in this shape to start with! I am losing my brother and I can't do that again! I won't do that again." Sam turned away from Castiel so the angel couldn't see the angry tears forming in his eyes. He was not going to cry in front of this heartless bastard.

"Sam, I know you don't believe me but I am truly sorry that this happened. I never wanted Dean to torture Alastair. I never wanted him to end up like this."

Sam took a deep breath and blinked back the tears. "Then why didn't you stop it?" He turned to face the angel but Castiel was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was watching his brother sleep when Bobby walked in and sat down. He nodded in Dean's direction. "How's he doing?"

Sam sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Not good, Bobby. You saw how he was. I've never seen him like this. Not even when Dad died." A sudden thought occurred to him. "What about you, Bobby? Was he like this when I died?"

Bobby shook his head. "He was messed up but at least he was angry. I've never seen him so defeated. It's like he's just given up, nothing left in him to give."

Dean had fallen asleep immediately after they arrived at Bobby's house. Sam had been sitting with him for the last six hours. Dean was still taking some pretty strong pain killers and would probably sleep the rest of the night but his sleep had been anything but peaceful.

"I don't know what to do, Bobby." Sam hated saying that. No matter what situation they had come up against, he had always been able to figure out something but this was one monster he didn't know how to fight.

"I wish I knew what to tell you, Sam." Bobby sounded as clueless as Sam felt. "Getting Dean to talk about what happened is the only way he will ever start working this out and I know how impossible that's going to be."

Sam dropped his head into his hands. He wished for the thousandth time that he had gotten to Dean before he had started torturing Alastair. If he had, maybe everything would have been alright. Or at least as alright as it got to be in their crazy world. Sam heard Bobby rise from his chair but he didn't look up. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Just don't give up on him." Bobby squeezed his shoulder and Sam listened as his footsteps retreated down the hallway.

"I'll never give up," whispered Sam.

* * *

Sam jerked awake and realized he had fallen asleep in the chair next to Dean's bed. He squinted at the watch on his wrist and could just make out the time: 3:00 a.m. He hadn't been asleep all that long.

Sam sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. He couldn't do this every night. No matter how much he wanted to help his brother he had to get some sleep. He had to remain strong because a war was coming whether Dean was going to be able to fight or not.

Sam glanced at his phone lying on the floor next to his chair and wondered if he should give Ruby a call. She might have a new lead on Lilith. He picked up the phone and then looked at his brother's haggard face. He couldn't do it. Not yet. Whether Ruby knew anything or not, he couldn't leave Dean right now. Dean had been there for him his whole life and Sam couldn't turn his back on his brother even if it meant another seal got broken somewhere.

Dean had been trying to protect him ever since Sam could remember but for the past few months Sam had been trying to do the same for Dean. Sam had been afraid that something was going to happen to Dean while he was off his game and he wanted to keep that from happening but he had failed. Dean always had his back but he had let his big brother down.

"'m sorry, Dad." Sam jumped at the sound of his brother's voice. Dean was talking in his sleep.

Sam moved closer to the bed to see if Dean would say anything else. He felt a twinge of guilt for spying on his brother in this vulnerable state but he knew this might be the only way he could find out what had happened with Alastair. Dean would sooner shoot himself in the leg than talk about his feelings.

But Dean never said anything different. He kept mumbling something about being sorry over and over and Sam finally shook his arm. "Dean, it's just a dream."

Dean opened his eyes immediately and they locked with Sam's. Sam took the chance. "Are you going to tell me?"

Dean turned and faced the wall and Sam knew that he had his answer.


	4. Chapter 4

Three days after they had arrived at Bobby's, Sam and Bobby were sitting on the back porch watching Dean wander aimlessly through the junkyard.

"What do you think he's doing out there?" asked Bobby.

"Avoiding me." Sam had decided that he was going to get the truth out of Dean about what had happened with Alastair. He had been asking Dean about it every opportunity he had. He was hoping that he could at least make Dean angry enough to tell him but so far nothing had worked.

"Seems to be working for him." Bobby raised his eyebrow at Sam.

"What am I supposed to do, Bobby?" Sam jumped up from his chair and paced to the end of the porch. He was almost beginning to understand how Dean was feeling even if he didn't know why. Helpless, hopeless. Nothing else mattered to him at this moment except getting his brother back and he had no idea how to do it.

The tears came upon him so fast that Sam couldn't hold them back. He held on to the porch rail and let them come. What was the point in trying to be strong for a brother who didn't care about anything anymore?

Sam felt a hand on his back and then Bobby's usually reassuring voice said, "It's going to be okay, son."

But Sam didn't think anything would ever be okay again. "How am I supposed to do this without him, Bobby? How am I supposed to stop the apocalypse when I can't even help my brother?"

"You're not supposed to stop the apocalypse. I am."

Sam and Bobby whirled around to find Dean standing on the porch behind them. Sam wiped furiously at the tears on his face.

"Sammy, are you okay?"

When Sam heard the concerned sound of Dean's voice, the tears started again. He had been afraid he'd never hear any kind of emotion from his brother again.

"No, I'm not okay, Dean. But neither are you."

"Is this the part where we get all touchy-feely, caring, sharing?" Dean looked from Sam to Bobby.

"I think I'll leave you boys to talk this out," said Bobby. He turned to go in the house but Dean grabbed him by the arm.

"You need to stay," said Dean. "I want you to hear this too."

Bobby shrugged and leaned against the porch railing. Sam's insides were churning. Dean had seemed concerned about him but now he seemed angry. Sam didn't care as long as Dean was feeling something.

"Remember how you said I was holding you back, Sammy." Dean's eyes were piercing right through him, forcing him to remember the terrible things he'd said under the influence of the Siren. Things he would give anything to be able to take back.

"Dean, you know I didn't…."

"Yeah, yeah. Didn't mean it. I know. Well, guess what? Seems all these secrets you've been keeping, the things you've been doing with Ruby? None of that matters because I'm the one who has to stop the freaking apocalypse."

Bobby and Sam just looked at each other. Both were afraid to say anything. Dean was finally talking and they didn't want him to stop until everything was out in the open.

"Aren't you going to ask how or why? I mean, come on. This joke has one of the best punch lines ever." Dean strode across the porch and slung a chair out of his way. "The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. How's that for a punch line? Righteous man. Do I look like a righteous man to you? Huh, do I?"

Dean was shouting and Bobby was giving Sam a confused look. What the hell was Dean talking about?

"Dean, I don't understand…."

"Damn straight, you don't. You have never understood what it was like to be me. How much pressure Dad put on me to be his little soldier. What it was like after Dad died, knowing that I had to save you. And then when you died I thought that bringing you back was my way of saving you but I was wrong. I should have let you stay dead but I was too selfish to do that." Dean turned away from them and Sam saw him take a deep breath.

"If I had never made that deal, none of this would have ever happened." Dean turned back to face them. "And now I'm the only one who can stop it. You can never understand what that feels like."

A look of understanding was dawning on Bobby's face. "Oh my God, I read about it but I didn't believe it. You're the righteous man who shed blood in Hell. I thought it was just a story, a myth."

Sam looked from Bobby to Dean. "Could someone please explain to me what is going on?"

"I broke the first seal, Sammy." All the anger drained from Dean's face and was replaced by immense sadness. "While I was in Hell. Dad stood up to Alastair for a hundred years and I couldn't even last thirty. This is all my fault and I guess maybe that's why I'm the one who has to stop it."

Dean collapsed into a chair and buried his face in his hands. Sam knelt on the porch beside him. "Dean, you're not alone. We can….."

Dean raised his head to look at his brother and Sam's heart twisted inside him. He had never seen such grief and self loathing in anybody's eyes. "Sam, I can't do it. I don't have any more to give. Please just leave me alone."

* * *

Bobby filled Sam in on the prophecy of the righteous man shedding blood in Hell after they had left Dean alone on the porch. Sam had been afraid to push his brother any farther at the moment.

After Dean went to sleep that night, Sam took up residence in the chair next to his bed again. He was worried about his brother after what happened today. At least he had finally learned what had gotten Dean to this point. Now he just needed to figure out a way to get him through it. Dean wasn't completely lost and Sam wasn't going to give up on him.

Sam had been sitting there for a couple of hours when Dean began to moan and talk in his sleep. He was still apologizing to their dad. Now Sam knew what that meant. Even in his death, John Winchester continued to make things hard on his eldest son. Sam felt some of his old resentment stir and immediately felt guilty. His dad was dead and what was happening now had nothing to do with him.

Sam sat on the edge of Dean's bed and gently shook his brother. Dean yelled and sat up in bed with a terrified look on his face.

"It was only a dream, Dean."

"Oh, God, Sammy." Dean covered his face with his hands and his whole body began to shake. It took Sam a minute to realize his brother was crying.

"Dean, it's going to be okay."

Sam put his arms around his brother. Dean stiffened and tried to pull away but Sam held him tight. Dean needed him and Sam had to let him know that he was there for him. Dean began to sob harder and clung desperately to his little brother.

"I can't carry this weight, Sammy." Dean's voice was muffled against Sam's shoulder. "How am I supposed to live with this? You were right. You're stronger than me. You don't need me anymore. I'm only holding you back."

Sam pulled away from Dean so he could look at him but Dean lowered his gaze. Sam put his hands on each side of Dean's face and forced him to look in his eyes. "We are both strong but we are strong together, okay? I need you, Dean. I can't do this without you. When you were gone, in Hell, I can't…." Sam's voice broke. "I can't lose you again."

Dean pulled away from Sam's grasp and wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. "This world is in pretty sad shape if it's depending on us to save it."

Sam attempted a laugh. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But we can do it, Dean."

"Together?" Sam heard the question in Dean's voice.

"Together."

Dean shrugged. "What the hell. Let's give it a try. Apocalypse is something we haven't done yet."

Sam smiled. His brother was back.

* * *

**THE END!**

**I hope you guys like it and I hope it makes sense why Dean finally started to talk. It made sense in my mind but sometimes my mind is a weird place to be. :) Thanks for all the great comments you guys have made!**


End file.
